Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again


Three nights ago, I was trying to fall asleep and thinking.  As Simon and Ethan snoozed beside me, I somehow came to think about my dear friend.  It wasn’t completely unrealistic to be thinking of him, since today is his birthday.  But being in my “new life” his death seems so faraway.  I was a different person back then with a different future.  But it all came crashing down on me regardless and I cried and cried and cried.

It’s been (going-on) four years since my friend Jacob left us.  I knew him for even less time than that.  He was a grade school friend of my ex, and he became such a constant in my life for two years that it was devastating when I got the call.

Jacob was an awkward teddy bear in my eyes.  He was so meek and wonderful, yet I was certain he thought I was completely nuts. I would always fall asleep on the baby couch in his basement.

I never even got my picture taken with him.

He loved movies so much; that’s how I honor his memory, by watching Wes Anderson films or The Big Lebowski.  On his first birthday since passing, his older sister (who I became good friends with after) and I cheers with white Russians to him.  He was twenty when he died.

I still feel so guilty about things surrounding his death.  Like how I didn’t say goodbye to him before leaving for school, and how I wasn’t in the state to attend his funeral.  Certain people made me feel even worse about that.  It took me a year to gather my courage to visit his grave, but now I visit it very often and leave flowers every time I go.

I used to have dreams about him returning, and I’d ask him how it was possible.  He’d just shrug and smile at me.  I don’t think I can even remember his voice…except how he said, “all right.”

Today I’m going to be watching Moonrise Kingdom, drinking a beer and remembering all our good times together.  If Wendy’s was closer I’d get some to munch on since he loved that stuff.  When I went to New York a few falls ago, I saw this sign and it made my heart hurt.  It’s for Jacob.


  1. what asweet post- i am sorry you lost your friend. don’t let anyone else make you feel abd about how you grieve or if you were in the state or not- it’s all personal and everyone handles things differently.
    by the way, my grampa died when i was 9…. i can’t recall his voice, but i remember it clearly when i think of how he said “little chicken” which was his nickname for me. he died almost 25 years ago and i still miss him dearly. i do not go to his grave and am not in the same state, but i think of him often, and i know for him, that’s enough.

    1. Thank you for sharing that with me, Cassie. Time is really nothing when you’ve lost someone.

  2. We will go spend time at his grave when you are home. Never let anyone make you feel bad about not “being there”. It is all in how you spent your time when you were together.

    1. I know. Love you.

  3. i cried and cried and cried too. wish we could have cried together. what a lovely post, sign, and memories. you are a treasure of a friend. .

    1. =( love you, C

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