Picking Myself Back Up

picking myself back up

It is so easy to fall off that “healthy lifestyle” band wagon.  With the passing of one summer holiday, I went from being fine to craving homemade treats, and I ended up eating one too many s’mores (they may be the death of me).  Oh well.  I am at it again, trying to make good choices that I can stick with.  Right now I’m not going to do anything too insane.  I will eat my normal go-tos and keep track of them.  And modify.  And adjust.  And reevaluate.  And repeat.

I used to count calories like crazy.  And I had it down to a science for a typical day of eating.  While I was depending then mostly on prepackaged goods (which is easy to track, but will never be as healthy as companies claim), I quickly became discouraged by it.  It was difficult to see how that plan of eating would fit into a life without those packaged products.  I’m a PB&J girl like you wouldn’t believe, and now I’m letting that simple fact shape the way I look at my health.

Before when I said it wasn’t about my body, I was lying (I didn’t mean to lie to you, because it turns out I was lying to myself too).  Because for me, somehow, it will always be about my body.  For my 5’10” height, there is a wide range of healthy (when evaluating myself with the BMI).  A whole 40 pounds!  I can’t even imagine the low end of that range.

Side story:  My freshman year of high school my gym teacher weighed my entire class in front of each other.  Scary!!!  I was 150 pounds then, maybe 155, and I was terrified to hear what the other girls were in comparison to me.  Then I realized I weighed the most.  Sure they weren’t all as tall as me, but that never seems to get through when you are standing in your gym shorts next to girls in the 100-110 range.

And while I’m not overweight (never technically have been), the little voice in my head remains…you could be thinner, you could be thinner.  The discussion that seems to always deter me is that people only lose weight because they are trying to make up for something in their life…but I’m not sure that applies to me.  I have a wonderful husband, the best family a girl could ask for, and I’m pursuing my career in writing.  So I’m going to try this out to see if I will feel better when I look in the mirror…and if I drop twenty-thirty lbs, right on.  Because mirrors have always been hard for me to befriend.

Gosh, are you tired of reading about this already?  I know I am tired of thinking, wishing, hoping someday I will accept my body…and at the same time wishing and hoping I rid myself of the urge to shove every sweet in sight in my mouth.  Reading this and this helped me today realize I’m not crazy for wanting to feel better about the way I look…and since I don’t so much feel that way now, I may as well try to find the weight that I do.  (I was doing really great all day yesterday, and then Ethan brought home a Butterfinger for me and…I made a teensy exception.  Isn’t that always how it goes?)

Final note:  I am a big SATC fan, and while I was marathoning it years ago, I realized I kept consoling myself that my body was similar to Miranda.  Hello!  Miranda had a baby, was in her forties and should never have been the model to justify my body against.  I’m twenty-four…that’s much too young to accept that this is as good as it will get.

Do you have a similar struggle with this?  How have you dealt with it?


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